So, during the 8 hours i spend staring at the wall during Census training, I got to thinking that if I won the lottery I'd open up a brew pub on Austin St. I'd name it "Seasongood" (like the street in the Gardens) and we'd brew our own seasonal beers. They'd have names like "Dragon's Breath" and "Shire Summer Ale" and "Mordor Porter." There would be huge oak beams and large oak tables where everyone sits together and has to talk to people they don't know and everyone would be happy and hearty. We'd have our own drinking song that gets sung when something important happens and we'd serve hearty foods and onion rings (because who doesn't like onion rings??) Once an acceptable amount of buzz has been created we may expand into other areas- pio pio style- except all our locations will always look likeThis:
So if any of you devoted readers have a rich uncle dying to finance a regal hall for drinking and merrymaking, have them leave a comment in this entry and we'll work out the specifics. I get final say on all Lord of the Rings related naming.
so in conclusion; here are a bunch of pictures of strange looking baby animals.
So, last night (against infinitely better judgment) I tuned in for the season premiere of the final season of The Hills. MTV suckered me in my saying "We know you have nothing to do on a rainy Sunday, so we're going to rerun the entire first four seasons of our splendid creation and you're going to watch it and wax nostalgic about what you were doing when Heidi and Lauren and co. were shiny pimply faced 19 year olds." So yeah, MTV I succumbed.. and I did wax nostalgic, because in May of '05 as Lauren and Heidi were getting excited about their new LA apartment, I was getting excited about going away to college and meeting hot boys and going out drinking every night and not worrying about who sees me the next morning. So, seeing all these events unfold made me really sad because so many things have changed! For me and for them, but this post isn't about my loses, it's about Heidi.
Dear, sweet, Heidi. I never really liked her, the whole first season she was all about sittin' pool side and being a ditz. Her job as a club promoter or whatever was the most obviously fake out of the bunch of fabricated jobs the ladies were given, and she never really added much to the show except to pout about this and that. I guess MTV saw this so they told Brody he better get a blonde douchey man friend and he better make moves on our innocent little mountain Fraulein because she needed a heavy dose of being treated like shit. Well as anyone with a pulse knows, Spencer and Heidi snowballed from having a bit part unhealthy relationship into the show stealing mega monster that is "Speidi". Then came an endless string of publicity stunts of increasing intensity; first there was the rift with Lauren, then their shotgun "i wanna get married in Mexico, you don't get a say-bitch" wedding, and finally the Frankensteinian level of plastic surgery she just went through (which, again, anyone with a pulse is at least vaguely aware of). When I first heard about her recent "changes" I was surprised, kind of sad, but mainly just wanted to see her trainwreck fully unfold with morbid curiosity and schadenfreude (that's two German words this entry, for those keeping track!) It wasn't until last night when I actually saw the creature she's become that it really hit me; wow, this girl is a lost cause. She kinda reminds me of Ophelia in her increasingly desperate attempts to get the attention of Hamlet, but maybe that's just because it's been a while since I've written a comparative essay to Shakespeare... in any case-
I think Gawker summarizes things best by saying "She became some sort of version of Heidi as she imagined the show defined her — pretty, booby Heidi with her shallow, fake husband — and MTV saw it, they saw it, and said "OK, let's roll cameras!" .... Heidi tried to chew, she tried to cry, but she couldn't. So she just sat there, her eyes wild with the recognition that she can never go back, and you realized that MTV ruined this kid's life. They gave her a platform to indulge her greatest insecurities, to stoke her deepest unhealthy desires, and they encouraged it and filmed it and sent it out to world while saying Ha Ha." (citation)
Sigh... I hope someday you find happiness Heidi. Move back to Crested Butte and have a lot of puppies and marry a cowboy and let it go to voicemail when MTV next tries to capitalize on your misfortunes. :(
On a lighter note, this is pretty great, and pretty accurate. The Hills as babies:
So, today I was reading about Myers-Briggs personality types and obviously needed to take the test to find out my own personality, because I'm really bad at/ have no interest in self analyzation.
Apparently taking this epic test is something that you have to pay exorbitant amounts of money for and are usually offered by fancy private schools or employers making sure you're not going to go postal. I did manage to find this which is a pretty quick and easy way of determining your personality. Then i found thiswhich explains the results.
I am extroverted, sensing, feeling, judging which is surprisingly a pretty accurate description (in my humble opinion)... Some highlights from my personality profile:
-Guardians of birthdays, holidays and celebrations, ESFJs are generous entertainers. They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving, especially where custom prescribes. Even though they neglected to specify Halloween, I do lovvvve entertaining and cooking for people and birthday parties!
-ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature "wear their hearts on their sleeves," often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls. I do have a short temper, and the fact that i've started a blog is pretty evident of my emotions not being contained..
-ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves. They are hurt by indifference and don't understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give. ESFJs sometimes have a hard time seeing or accepting a difficult truth about someone they care about. With Extraverted Feeling dominating their personality, ESFJs are focused on reading other people. They have a strong need to be liked, and to be in control. They are extremely good at reading others, and often change their own manner to be more pleasing to whoever they're with at the moment. while they may be overstating my level of warmth, i'd say the rest is fairly correct.
-ESFJs at their best are warm, sympathetic, helpful, cooperative, tactful, down-to-earth, practical, thorough, consistent, organized, enthusiastic, and energetic. They enjoy tradition and security, and will seek stable lives that are rich in contact with friends and family.Aw gee..how sweet of you, internet personality test! According to the people who make these things up, I share this personality with Bill Clinton and Molly Weasley. There are many other things i'd like to share with Bill Clinton, but i'll take what I can get.
I put a counter that tells me how many people visit this here blog, so I know someone out there is reading!! So, faithful readers, is this accurate? What are YOUR personalities?
Just so you know, Joining a facebook group is not going to: -cure cancer -allow gay marriage to happen -do absolutely anything about the immigration bill in Arizona (especially if you're not from Arizona, then it will do double nothing) -stop that person (probably me) from passive aggressively talking about you (on their blog perhaps?) -convince anyone to name their kid Batman.
Similarly,
WE ALL WATCHED RUGRATS and like popping bubble wrap and remember fun dip and hate waking up in the morning.
and finally, are joining any of these groups really necessary? "I smile like nothing's wrong, but I go through stuff u know NOTHING about!" "I hate girls who say they hate drama but really cause it" "UR my ex for a reason, i'm so over this!"
However; facebook IS a perfect venue for promoting ones love for Iceland and tequila and Oscar Wilde quotes, so "suck it all u h8rz"
/end nightly rant. Sorry to offend, but not really.
Apparently I didn't google hard enough the first time around, but there is an article about these fabulous creatures.
This is certainly tragic, but the Sheridan's don't seem to be too bothered by their lifestyle, therefore i can critique in good conscious.
I'm sure by this point (4 years later) "Mother" is dead and probably lying in bed wearing her best dressing gown while her devoted son dutifully tends to the yard and tries not to look at the lady next door when she gets out of the shower...
That makes it a million times more awesome. Kudos to you Master Sheridan and your pipe smoke and sideburns and your ability to miraculously win a lawsuit against the Gardens' juggernaut. Just please don't kill me if I spend the night in the pouring rain after deciding to steal a wealthy Texan's money and drive to Arizona to visit my boyfriend.
So lately I've been going on many reflective walks and jogs through the Gardens. For those of you who don't know, Forest Hills Gardens is a section of town that is really beautiful and old fashioned. It was supposedly America's first planned community and basically hasn't changed in 100 years and the residents must adhere to strict standards of how the houses have to look and what kind of things they can decorate with. It's really pretty to walk around in, especially during the spring time.
Most houses look like this:
and this:
but then, there is this one house that looks like this:
Wow, that looks like a lot of flowers... What clever gardeners must reside in that little spot of Eden! Oh, wait... let me get a closer look
are those...fake flowers?? Yes, yes they are. Hundreds of fake flowers!!!!
I wonder what the house looks like? Here's the walkway (sorry it's sideways, i couldn't figure out how to rotate pictures...) Note the cheetah standing guard.
This is definitely the house that kids dare each other to ring the doorbell. Even in broad daylight with numerous other cars slowing down to gawk, i definitely felt really creeped out and somewhat like my life was in danger and someone was going to pop out of the shrubbery with a pitchfork and straggly beard and snatch me.
You may think maybe this is temporary and someone died recently and there's a neighborhood wide show of support. But I assure you, no Polish heads of state, or coal miners reside in Forest Hills. It's been like this for over a year and they rotate the flowers. There were a lot more poinsettias in the winter.
I don't know whether to feel really sad for these people or be jealous of their uniqueness or be thankful i'm not locked in their prison dungeon.
Editors note: I don't actually think anyone will actually read this, but I'm going to address all future entries to a large audience in hopes of attracting one.
So, as many of you may know, I'm working for the census. While I'd love to reveal the intricacies of how absurdly boring training has been, and all the fun things we learned, but I swore an oath to the government and am bound to secrecy. Since I'd like to keep this temporary job and milk it for as many weeks as possible, I can't talk too many specifics. This is a shame because i'd really like to highlight how I was in a group of people who scored the highest on the census worker's test, and yet it still took 8 hours for 10 people to fill out forms and get finger printed. Apparently no one knows how direct deposit works and 50 year old men don't know how many dependents they claim on their taxes, but those weren't even the worst of the questions people asked. One bright lad raised his hand and asked the guy in charge (bless his soul for not murdering us all in a fit of rage) what to do because he didn't know how to spell his middle name. How do people like this exist? I'm legitimately interested to know how this guy can manage to budget expenses and procure himself food and yet not know his name. Maybe I'm over thinking things and he was just trying to be funny. I really wonder what his middle name actually was, and if it indeed was so difficult to spell. I hope it was Rumpelstiltskin. I'd give my kid a ballin middle name like that (or wolfgang), but I damn sure wouldn't raise him as no fool.
I've been told by numerous people that I should start a blog, but never have because I lead a pretty uneventful life that isn't worth blogging about. However; now that I am recently single, I have no one whose job it is to listen to my daily musings and grievances. So I turn to you, anonymous internet. Whenever I update facebook with said grievances and musings, I usually receive several comments appreciating my humor, several legitimate concerns about my mental health, and several people unfriend me (fuck you random guy who lived on the floor below me freshman year who can't appreciate a good critique of tonight's Glee). So now, I can rant and rave all you want and you biddies are gonna have to listen to it because you came here of your own free will.
Oh and by the way, in case it wasn't abundantly clear, the title and description refer to the two best sitcoms of the 90's and since I just got "kicked out in one of those crushing scenes" and have no meaningful employment, I think it's pretty fitting. So enjoy, hopefully I keep this up and these anecdotes will be my meal ticket to coffee table book success!
Also I'm going to post a ton of pictures of my guinea pig, so get used to it!
